I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Randomize
