The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
