every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
