He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
