They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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