I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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