nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
