he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
