my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
