i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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