Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
