Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize