I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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