my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
