You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
