I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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