ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
