My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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