miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
