Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
