if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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