I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
