cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
