They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
