I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
