Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
