He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
