you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize