I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
