Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
