If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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