I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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