What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
