I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
