you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
