i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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