The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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