So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
