my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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