come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
