y did u give ur computer a hand job?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
