They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize