you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
