Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
