i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
