My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
