He had one of those small greek statue penises
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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