I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
