that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
