He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
