You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
