so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
