Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the condom got lost in my hair
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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