I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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