First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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