Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
