Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize