I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
