How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
