how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
