glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
