Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
