toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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