When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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