I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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