Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
