Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
